"Go the Distance"

This past weekend I went to the birthday party of a friend who was turning thirty. Now, for those of you who don't know me personally, let me tell you that when we throw a party it doesn't land until the next morning. When I turned thirty, I thought my life was over, that all the fun was behind me, and all I had left was the daily tedium.

I'm sitting here doing nothing but aging

So we threw a wake, with everyone in dark suits, and recreated the Abbey Road cover with me in the "Paul" role and even took pictures in a body bag. Now my friend Mark on the other hand, when he was planning his party, he was planning a wild Bacchanalia (that's toga party to the unwashed out there). Turning thirty was a celebration to him. So we made it happen. There were around thirty to forty people there, and at least a third were in togas. There was all kinds of food, and the alcohol was flowing. In fact, that's what I wanted to talk about today.

I was asked to handle the drink ideas for the party, so I did a little research and came up with an idea. A wonderfully sinfully awful idea. I created a shot for each of the twelve labors of Hercules. We served the first at 9:00 PM and the last at 1:00 AM so yeah, 12 shots in four hours. Plus the man got a bottle of thirty year old scotch, plus there were at least three mixed punch/margarita bowls around the kitchen. Below are the labors, and the drinks we made for each of them.

1. Slay the Nemean Lion and bring back its hide.-Based on a shot called a Lion Tamer, we juiced sour mix with fresh squeezed lime juice. The shot was simple, The Nemean Lion: half Southern Comfort half super sour mix.
2. Slay the Lernaean Hydra.-A hydra has many heads, so... a shot with many layers was in order. The Hydra: layer Kahlua, Baileys Irish Creme, Banana Liqueur and Grand Marnier
3. Capture the Ceryneian Hind.- A female deer that was faster than an arrow. Easy shot The Hind: Vodka and Pink Lemonade. It should have been Everclear, but I didn't have time to get to North Carolina.
   
4. Capture the Erymanthian Boar.- A centaur told Hercules to catch the boar he had to drive it into deep snow. The Boar: 1/2 oz cream or half and half mixed with 1/2 oz rum creme. then add 1/2 oz of Hot Damn cinnamon schnapps mixed with 1/2 oz of grenadine. Mmmm blood on the snow.
   
5. Clean the Augean stables in a single day. -Hercules "cheated" and diverted a river to help him deal with all the horse shit. The party revelers had no such help. The Stables: Dark Creme de Cocoa and Crown Royal in equal parts. Add two chocolate chips for "texture"
   
6. Slay the Stymphalian Birds.-Killer birds in Greece. Another easy one to come up with. A 57 T-bird with Greek plates. 1/2 oz Vodka 1/2 oz Amaretto 1/2 oz Pomegranate liqueur 1/2 oz grenadine. ( By the way, Pomegranate liqueur tasted terrible, that's why we added the grenadine.)
   
7. Capture the Cretan Bull.-The Bull that was said to be the father of the Minotaur. Another easy drink. Based on a Horny Bull. The Cretan Bull: cheap Tequila and cheap rum, 3/4 oz each. Finish with the super sour mix from above
   
8. Steal the Mares of Diomedes. Four man eating horses that belonged to a giant king. The Mares: Just like a four horsemen, but substitute Crown for Jack (b/c he's a king) So equal parts Crown Royal, Johnny Walker, Jim Beam, and Jose Cuervo. [This was without a doubt the least liked drink of the night, but you know what?... IT'S SUPPOSED TO TASTE BAD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!]
   
9. Obtain the Girdle of Hippolyte. Ah the pantie raid. A classic since waaaaay back. So we adapted the classic pantie remover drink and made it Greek. Hippolyte girdle remover: 3/4 oz vodka 3/4 oz peach schnapps 1/4 oz pomegranate liqueur 1/4 oz grenadine.
   
10. Obtain the Cows of Geryon. Red Cows. Seriously. I think I was pouring Red Bull and Vodkas before I even thought about it. The Cows of Geryon: 1.5 oz vodka, dash of grenadine, pour into a third of a can of red bull.
    
11. Steal the Apples of the Hesperides. This is the one with Atlas that everyone remembers sort of. The Golden Apples: 1oz Apple pucker 1oz goldschlager
    
12. Capture Cerberus, the guardian dog of Hades, and bring him back. The last drink of the night, a three headed dog, and a classic birthday shot still not made... Cerberus: Rumpelminz, Goldschlager and Jaggermeister.

We had a great night, and I had lots of fun, but I would be remiss if I did not mention my assistant: Dave. He made the Boar entirely on his own, made the Birds drinkable, and added the texture to the Stables. Truly the night would not have been as cool without him, and the drinks would not have been flowing as freely. Thank you Dave, your knowledge of mixology was surprising, but inspiring.

The night went well. I made it to work the next day on time and another friend has passed the thirty year mark.