Skittering Spiders from Beyond Saturn
“...Captain, the Aliens are coming around for another pass and our shields are down to eleven percent. We aren’t going to survive another hit from their main laser bank.”
I hear this from behind me, near where the look-down-science-hole thing is. Only the whole bridge is now really bright white. In fact it’s like two stories of gleaming brightness. The chrome accents are like a really cool car from the 50s or 60s, whenever that car my neighbor owned was from. The neighbor from when I was 7 and we lived in the townhouse. It was metallic blue and had really big fins. The lights are hanging down tube lights that look like light sabers but it is OK because the bridge is so big. The man who spoke is wearing a blue uniform with logos on it like he is a cyclist or a race car driver. I can see Red Bull and Monster and Mountain Dew and Riesen. Also there is a hot blue skinned woman standing next to him, but I can tell she likes me better.
“Dammit, Science-Officer-who-looks-like-the-IT-guy, stop whining. We will just rearrange the cells to make the shields stronger.
Chief-Engineer-chubby-marketing-guy!”
“Yes Captain?”
“Go downstairs next to the snack machine and update the cell structure to make the shields stronger.”
“Ach Captain, I’ll make it so.”
“OK good, now where is the HR-lady-who-is-the-communications-person?”
“Right here Captain.”
She is sitting in her cube that has the bowl of candy in it, but I shouldn’t eat the candy but it is OK because I will only eat one piece.
“Call the enemy and tell them that they suck and to look behind them and fool them into looking so that we can get some time to make the shields work.
Chief-Engineer-chubby-marketing-guy!?”
“Yes Captain?”
“Are you there yet?”
“No Captain I am stuck in the elevator remember?”
“Oh yeah, that was funny that day. You were going to get a soda and got stuck and then you had to drink the soda so that you could pee in the bottle and then you had to pee again. How did you get out again?”
“I called maintenance and they fixed it.”
“Maintenance-guy-who-looks-like-the-janitor-because-I-don’t-know-what-the-maintenance-guy-looks-like. Go get him out of the elevator.”
The whole bridge shakes, tossing co-workers in uniform out of their cubes. Sparks begin to fly out of all of the controls. One of the large lights sways in slow motion. It breaks free and is falling down on all of us. I push Bill-from-sales-who-is-also-on-the-bridge-crew out of the way as it comes crashing down. The helm officer is trapped under it as it falls and it is tragic.
“Dammit, we don’t have time, we’ll just fly up and over them and shoot them with the down lasers.”
“But Captain, we don’t have down lasers.”
The voice came from a red uniform across the bridge. He was standing near the seat where the Russian guy sits, and had a bright green laptop in his hands. Now it is pink. No one is standing near him and he smells bad. Like sweat. He is in his office and no one wants to go inside it with him.
“Stupid Ensign-who-is-actually-my-boss-in-a-uniform-that-makes-you-look-fat, why don’t we have down lasers? I know we do, they are here on my console. This console is so much bigger and fancier than your console. It has blinking lights and flashing lights both. You just have a pink laptop. The picture on the wall in your office of that ridiculous cat is now my awesome signed Summer Glau poster only now my name is spelled right. Plus I will fire the lasers right now!”
I can see outside the ship now, and the lasers shoot down on the bad guys’ ship. I don’t remember what they are called but their ship is made of junk and is leaking radiation. My lasers go right at them and we have destroyed them in one shot. All the pieces of the ship go spreading out across the galaxy so they are dead for sure.
Yea! Celebration and everyone from work is now the hot waitress from that bar that knows my name and really cute barista from the coffee shop in the morning; and there is what’s-her-name from college who I saw having sex with my roommate who now wants to have sex with me! We will all have sex in the hot tub in my ready room!
“Captain?”
“What is it Girl-I-stared-at-riding-the-subway-last-night?”
“I think I heard a spider.”
“The Skittering Spiders from beyond Saturn huh? Well crank up the lasers hot babes! We have spiders to kill before we all get naked.
Wait I heard them too. Was that a spider?
Dammit, I’m dreaming wake up, spider! Awake? Am I awake? I can’t move. Why did I wake up? Spider! Big huge spider wake up! Wait, I am awake. So move. Brain to body move! Wait I must still be dreaming. I can’t see anything though. Spider! I can hear it it’s so loud and it’s big really big. Get under the covers! Why can’t I move! Why can’t I see. Wait, what did the Web MD say?
--If you are paralyzed as you wake up it is the body’s way of saying you might have cancer.
No! Stupid Internet always says it’s cancer. What did Dr. Brad say? “Try calming yourself by reciting as many names for it as you can.” OK right ignore the spider say the names. Sleep paralysis, and the sex demon thing, uh Succubus, um Ghost on Bed. There it was again! No no, keep going. Old Hag Syndrome, Mora, Subirse el Muerto, oh yeah, and alien abduction!
Eyes are open now, and I can move if I need to. Why was I panicking? There was something in the room right? Room looks normal, dark but normal. Fan is going on high, clothes all over the floor, door shut, windows shut. Swing my feet down to the floor, carpet is normal I guess. The room smells like socks. The bed is damp... oh I drooled on my pillow again.
There it was, what was that sound? Not in the room at all. Some kind of outdoor thing. Stand up and walk to the window. Don’t forget to avoid stepping on the footlocker. Peer between the blinds. There it was again, what is that? Some kind of animal maybe? Oh I can see two little red lights out there and they are moving... cigarettes. Those are people and they are... soccer ball. On the asphalt outside the house. It is 3:00 am soccer time with cigarettes. OK, well that was... tired now. Back to bed. That was funny, I thought it was a spider. But it was just those two guys across the street. I don’t really know them, but they look good at soccer. I was good at soccer when I was a kid.
We could all play together on the same team and we are so good we are playing in front of all the fans. One of the guys passes to the other guy and then he is looking for me and I am hiding near the goalie but it is OK and not cheating. And he passes to me and I shoot and I score past the Goalie-who is-also-my-stupid-boss-man! GOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL and I take my shirt of and slide on the ground and I am not fat at all, and all of the fans are really hot and...
